1/27/19 - Dad's Mission Experience

M,

Your frustration with the missionary routine and the lack of leadership opportunities reminded me of a similar experience I had.  I feel impressed to share it with you.  I was in my second area of Dundas.  My companion was the DL, Elder Burr Nellow Johnson.  He was not very knowledgeable about the gospel.  He was a bit rough around the edges.  He looked like Elvis and for some reason all the Asian girls we taught thought he was handsome.  Not relevant but still a fact.  I had a hard time having him lead.  We were both new to the area, I had more gospel experience, and felt prepared for leadership.  My pride was getting in the way of my working well with him.  I did not know this until later but he came from a single parent household.  They had been reactivate shortly before he left for a mission.  Looking back I regret not allowing myself to have more compassion for him.  My pride would not allow it.  Once he was transferred they had not named a new DL.  The ZL came on splits with me and another missionary in the area.  The other missionary was Elder Egan, a recent convert who came out on a mission as soon as he could.  We was a born again Christian and had a zeal and energy for everything.  After we went on back to back splits I was able to have the ZL talk with the AP in my apartment as to why Elder Egan was better prepared to be a DL.  He had planned a day full of appointments.  I did not have anything planned and we knocked on doors all day.  My pride was once again causing me problems.  I thought I'm a Barlow and we are meant to lead.  My Dad was a Bishop and in 2 Stake Presidencies.  I saw missionaries who were a mess in the MTC become my ZLs while I was a Senior Companion.  It was hard to experience.  It took me until my third area in St. Catherines (7 months in) that my pride was a big issue for me and something I would need to overcome.  I eventually became a DL and a trainer.  I had 2 greenies and then I was removed from being a DL and a trainer.  It was hard to take that I was not climbing the "Leadership Ladder".  In my 4th area I was given companions that were a challenge.  They all had low opinions of themselves and we not the strongest workers.  I felt they were given to me so I might try to be a positive influence on them.  That is a very short summary of my experience but here is what I learned from it.  Consider this an addendum to my "What I Wish I knew Before Going On a Mission" letter.

Pride  -  You have it kid.  I'm sorry but I think it might be hereditary.  Pride is what has you compare yourself against other missionaries.  Pride is what makes you want to climb the ladder that is not there.  I'm confident that you will be used as the Lord wants you to be used assuming you can overcome this.  It is not easy to overcome your pride.  It will take time and patience.  It requires compassion and charity.  Truly thinking of others and not yourself.  Be happy for your MTC friends and not concerned about your own progression.  I get that having a leadership role would provide you some validation that you are doing well but this is not how the Lord works.  As I am right now, I still have the leadership pedigree of your Grandpa Barlow, your Great Grandpa Barlow and now your Uncle Mark.  Your Uncle Mark has been a Bishop, in 2 Stake Presidencies and now a Stake President.  I have not had the chance for any of those opportunities.  Sometimes I wonder if I am doing what I should to be worthy of a leadership calling.  Still seeking that validation that would come with a call like that.  Over the years I have determined that if I focus on this for even a little bit I can't magnify my current calling.  The Spirit can't provide the direction needed for me to know what I need to do.  The inspiration does not stop but it is muted.  Keep working hard and do your part.  You will figure this out.  Stop comparing yourself to others.  There is only one you.  You might need to find more people and your current companion is the one to work with you to do this.  Stop comparing yourself, always.  This is counsel for now and after your mission.  Stop comparing yourself.  Life is not a contest and it is not a race.  The destination is not more important than the journey.

You do not convert, the Spirit does  -  Even though we are not perfect the Spirit can still work through us.  The gospel is perfect and all we need to do is find people who are willing to listen.  We do not need to sell the gospel or make it sound more than it is.  It is precious and glorious without our needing to flower it up.  If we have the appropriate mindset the experience is more enjoyable and is far more rewarding.  We receive more joy and stop being distracted by things that should factor into your day.  While we work through pride the Spirit can still work through us but we are not receiving the inspiration needed to maximize our efforts.  With this same line of thought, when you struggle with investigators or find people to teach it is not always you that is the problem.  Often it is not.  You are required to work for the inspiration needed to find people.  You should not take rejection personally.  When investigators go cold it is not your fault.  You are not as much a part of this as you might think you are.  The Spirit does the work, you provide the physical manifestation and words of the Spirit.

2 Emotions we can't have - Pride (Greed) and Fear   -  Fear does not seem to be a concern for you.  From the outside it seems like it never has been.  The opposite might be true. You may be so fearless that you intimidate people.  You may need to try and dial things back a bit.  I hesitate to write this because I don't want you to start being hesitant.  Your zeal is part of why you are successful.  You might need to consider when is the time to go full Emma vs attempt to be more reserved.  We can't have either Pride or Fear ever.  They are poison in all settings. 

I hope this is helpful and you find something you can benefit from.  Good luck with your mission challenges.  You have all the tools needed to accomplish what you are asked to do.  Don't compare.  Lift where you stand and do your best.  Everything else will work out.

Love

Dad